"I've thought about that," Holland admits, brow furrowing after a moment of silence, "but I worry that if I did step down, everything would fall apart again. Everything would die all over again." And he couldn't stomach that. Not again.
It wasn't completely out of the question. He would choose who took his place and if he thought for ever a second they would run his world into the ground again he wouldn't allow it. But it was still something that worried him enough to make sleep difficult.
The kiss draws his attention and Holland just lingers, watching Kells face.
He'd wondered about this a lot as well in the past span since the ship. How would this work? White was his home. Red was Kells. Sure, they could bounce back and forth whenever they were able but...
He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, "What is this....that we're doing?"
“Then you just make sure,” Kell says because at some point it has to be
possible for White London to thrive even if Holland isn’t in charge and
it’s not like stepping down means abandoning anyone. He’s relaxed and
feeling affectionate.
Kell hadn’t thought about naming it before, which is a common thread
because it’s basically the same thing with Lila. He didn’t know what the
answer is supposed to be.
“I don’t know, Holland. I haven’t been thinking about what to categorize it
as... what do you want it to be?”
“It is the answer you’re getting,” Holland replies and shifts to get up. He wants a shower. And he wants to put the walls back up a little because he doesn’t know how to do this yet.
There are cracks forming in his whole...whatever this is he’s done to himself over the years and he isn’t sure if he should mend them or let it fall apart.
Holland stops half way to the bathroom but he doesn’t look back. He closes his eyes and tries to just...focus enough to not turn everything into the room to ice.
Kell hadn’t done anything wrong. Nothing at all.
“Everyone I have ever cared about or have allowed close enough has either tried to kill me or has been killed in front of me,” he admits quietly, “I don’t want you to fall into either of those categories.”
Kell stares at Holland's back and he finds himself hating the fact that Holland won't look at him while they talk.
"You know things are different now," Kell points out. And no one could guarantee he wouldn't die but he couldn't fathom a scenario he'd ever try to kill Holland.
“I’m not pushing you away,” Holland grinds out softly. He isn’t angry or even annoyed. He’s just...vulnerable and he doesn’t know how to handle it properly.
Slowly, he reaches a hand out for Kell, “Shower with me...” Don’t let me pull away.
The pair share a shower with surprisingly little in the way of inappropriate behavior. At least until the tail end. When they’re toweling off, Holland pins Kell against the sink and steals a kiss.
He doesn’t want to push Kell away. He doesn’t want to pull away from Kell. He just...
Cradling Kells face in his hands, he noses against him and then takes a moment to just admire his features.
“I don’t mean to be this way. I’ve never had genuine care from someone. It’s always been betrayal and pain;” he says quietly, “And then when I was a slave it became physical pain. And I had to learn how to shut everything off. If I feel, to you, like I’m pulling away—call me on it. Because odds are, I don’t know I’m doing it.”
The shower is intimate and relatively non-sexual which Kell doesn't have any complaints about. Some of the tension that had sprung up starts to fade into the background at least.
Kell had almost laugh when he ended up pinned, the edge of the sink pressing into his back and his hands went to Holland's sides as he kisses him back. His eyes open, the other's hands on his face, and his fingers always seemed just a little too cold to be normal.
His arms slide around the other drawing him closer and he knows that Holland's life had been harder than he could have imagined.
"I'll always let you know," he says, leaning in to kiss him again. His heart feels so full of emotion and he doesn't think too hard on it as he drags his hands up the other's back.
Holland nods once and returns the next kiss; almost melting into it as Kells hands move up his back. Reaching around he lifts the other up enough to set him on the counter top.
He settles between his legs and loops his arms around his waist, keeping him close.
Everything between them felt intimate. Every touch felt like it meant more. The silence held a weight that others didn’t.
“You’re my counterpart,” he mumbled. They were two sides of the same coin. A reflection of one another. “I don’t want to be without you.”
Kell shifts once on the counter, just a bit to get comfortable on the cool surface. His legs wrap around the other's waist just as much to keep him close as anything else. He savored the taste of Holland, his hands still caressing the other's back, nails dragging here or there. It did feel like it all meant more and that's because Kell is pretty sure that it does.
"You don't have to be," Kell responds, tightening his legs ever so slightly. "Because I don't want to be without you either.
Silence settled again and Holland finally offered a little nod; choosing to put all of that behind them for now.
“Good,” and he pulled away, taking a moment to let his eyes wander over Kell from head to toe and back up before he turn to head back into the bedroom with an actual smirk, “I still can’t believe you were already naked.”
Kell reluctantly releases the hold he had on Holland with his legs so the other can pull away. He grins a little once the other turned away. He found he really liked Holland's eyes on him. He slid off the counter and followed into the bedroom.
"You can't?" Kell smiles again. "I can't believe you restrained yourself.
Slipping the towel off he turned and reached for the other again; lacing their hands together.
“That...was admittedly harder than I had expected,” he starts and a smile slips. But maybe that’s okay. Alone. With just Kell. “I didn’t want you to think I just wanted you for....” his eyes trailed down again, eyeing all of him, “sex.”
Kell squeezes slightly when their hands are laced together, looking over Holland's face. He can't help but relish the smile. It's so rare, for both of them.
"I know that," Kell says and he presses close to him. "And I don't just want you for sex."
It's just new and exciting and it feels so good it's a little hard for it not to be on his mind, no pun intended.
Kell makes a low sound into the kiss. His hands tracing the notches of Holland's spine as they kiss.
"I do want sex," he murmurs. "I want to be a good boy for you," he feels a bit of a flush at saying the word, putting it forward with less lead up it felt like to him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It wasn't completely out of the question. He would choose who took his place and if he thought for ever a second they would run his world into the ground again he wouldn't allow it. But it was still something that worried him enough to make sleep difficult.
The kiss draws his attention and Holland just lingers, watching Kells face.
He'd wondered about this a lot as well in the past span since the ship. How would this work? White was his home. Red was Kells. Sure, they could bounce back and forth whenever they were able but...
He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, "What is this....that we're doing?"
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“Then you just make sure,” Kell says because at some point it has to be possible for White London to thrive even if Holland isn’t in charge and it’s not like stepping down means abandoning anyone. He’s relaxed and feeling affectionate.
But there’s slight tense at the question.
“What do you mean?”
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Kell tenses just enough for Holland to feel it and he looks over his face in response, “This. What is this?”
It could be a plethora of things.
Were they friends? A little more than friends? Did they just have sex?
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Kell hadn’t thought about naming it before, which is a common thread because it’s basically the same thing with Lila. He didn’t know what the answer is supposed to be.
“I don’t know, Holland. I haven’t been thinking about what to categorize it as... what do you want it to be?”
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“Whatever it is, is fine,” he murmurs, “We’ll just see each other when we can.”
No commitment...because how could they?
“I just don’t want to hear about you with anyone else.”
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Kell is quiet at the others response.
“Is that really your honest answer, Holland?” Kell asks, because it doesn’t feel like it, not with the last comment.
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There are cracks forming in his whole...whatever this is he’s done to himself over the years and he isn’t sure if he should mend them or let it fall apart.
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“Don’t push me away,” Kell can feel it, can see it because he so often does it to people. “Please.”
Kell sits up and he doesn’t try to stop Holland.
“I’ve never done this before or felt for someone the way I do for you. I don’t know what to do or what I’m not doing right.”
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Kell hadn’t done anything wrong. Nothing at all.
“Everyone I have ever cared about or have allowed close enough has either tried to kill me or has been killed in front of me,” he admits quietly, “I don’t want you to fall into either of those categories.”
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"You know things are different now," Kell points out. And no one could guarantee he wouldn't die but he couldn't fathom a scenario he'd ever try to kill Holland.
"Please don't push me away."
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Slowly, he reaches a hand out for Kell, “Shower with me...” Don’t let me pull away.
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"I can do that."
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He doesn’t want to push Kell away. He doesn’t want to pull away from Kell. He just...
Cradling Kells face in his hands, he noses against him and then takes a moment to just admire his features.
“I don’t mean to be this way. I’ve never had genuine care from someone. It’s always been betrayal and pain;” he says quietly, “And then when I was a slave it became physical pain. And I had to learn how to shut everything off. If I feel, to you, like I’m pulling away—call me on it. Because odds are, I don’t know I’m doing it.”
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Kell had almost laugh when he ended up pinned, the edge of the sink pressing into his back and his hands went to Holland's sides as he kisses him back. His eyes open, the other's hands on his face, and his fingers always seemed just a little too cold to be normal.
His arms slide around the other drawing him closer and he knows that Holland's life had been harder than he could have imagined.
"I'll always let you know," he says, leaning in to kiss him again. His heart feels so full of emotion and he doesn't think too hard on it as he drags his hands up the other's back.
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He settles between his legs and loops his arms around his waist, keeping him close.
Everything between them felt intimate. Every touch felt like it meant more. The silence held a weight that others didn’t.
“You’re my counterpart,” he mumbled. They were two sides of the same coin. A reflection of one another. “I don’t want to be without you.”
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"You don't have to be," Kell responds, tightening his legs ever so slightly. "Because I don't want to be without you either.
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“Good,” and he pulled away, taking a moment to let his eyes wander over Kell from head to toe and back up before he turn to head back into the bedroom with an actual smirk, “I still can’t believe you were already naked.”
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"You can't?" Kell smiles again. "I can't believe you restrained yourself.
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“That...was admittedly harder than I had expected,” he starts and a smile slips. But maybe that’s okay. Alone. With just Kell. “I didn’t want you to think I just wanted you for....” his eyes trailed down again, eyeing all of him, “sex.”
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"I know that," Kell says and he presses close to him. "And I don't just want you for sex."
It's just new and exciting and it feels so good it's a little hard for it not to be on his mind, no pun intended.
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"I do want sex," he murmurs. "I want to be a good boy for you," he feels a bit of a flush at saying the word, putting it forward with less lead up it felt like to him.
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The low sound send warmth shooting all throughout his body and Holland lightly licks over his bottom lip to savor the sound somehow.
And both hands slide down to grope the younger backside, pulling him closer, “Maybe I want you to be bad this time...”
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"Yeah? Like what?" he murmurs.
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“We can talk about it later,” taking hold of one wrist he gently pulled Kell away and pushed him towards the bed, “Get on.”
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